We all have things that take us back. When I was pregnant with my first child, my husband and I would talk about baby names. There were certain names that I would dismiss right away because I worked in a daycare when I was 17. Even though I liked the name, I would associate that name with a child who threw tantrums, or kicked my shins when I put them in time out. They brought me back and the memories were not good.
Certain songs bring me back to a place in a flash. Not always a place that I want to go because it brings up painful memories. I usually don’t let my mind go to those places because sometimes they take me down a rabbit hole. I move on to the next song and don’t let myself think of the reason I skipped. Today I let my mind wander back just a little.
I put on my favorite spotify mix and got to work cleaning my kitchen. Something about worship music helps me get the chores that I dread done. On came this popular worship song, a song you probably are familiar with. Immediately I thought, “NO! Not this song!” I ran to my phone and skipped it as fast as I could. But it was too late, I was already back there...
It was our last Sunday there. I see my husband on stage as the entire congregation gives him a standing ovation. My littlest son climbs up on stage with him and hugs his leg. The band starts to sing.
“The head that once was crowned with thorns
Is crowned with glory now
The Savior knelt to wash our feet
Now at His feet we bow”
I hear the words. I feel an ache rising stronger within me. What happens next?
“The One who wore our sin and shame
Now robed in majesty
The radiance of perfect love
Now shines for all to see”
My heart hurts. It has been a really hard two weeks. The phone calls, the tears, and the goodbye’s that I said over and over rings in my ears.
“Your name, Your name
Is victory
All praise, will rise
To Christ, our king”
Someone taps my shoulder and points to the door. I see my son who just entered the room to see his father say his last goodbye. My son’s eyes are red with tears. My heart breaks a little more.
“The fear that held us now gives way
To Him who is our peace
His final breath upon the cross
Is now alive in me”
Someone comes up to me and hugs me. She says “On behalf of the body of Christ I apologize.” It is a soothing balm on my heart. God, you got us.
“By Your spirit I will rise
From the ashes of defeat
The resurrected King, is resurrecting me
In Your name I come alive
To declare Your victory
The resurrected King, is resurrecting me”
I can go back and see that clear as day and feel those feelings like they were yesterday. It is amazing what one song stirs up. I don’t feel like it is a coincidence that this song was being sung at that time. “By your spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat. The resurrected King is resurrecting me.”
God is a God of detail. He weaves intricately in our stories and whispers of His promises. Before we called, He answered.
I love this song even though it brings me back to a painful place. As I stood in my kitchen after I skipped the song on spotify, I felt the Lord whisper. He wants to rewrite the story of this song in my life. There are painful things we don’t want to go back to. God wants to redeem that time. He wants to redeem that pain. A song that I skip so fast today, can bring me joy again.
Lord, help me not to fear the past, or run from the hurt. Help me to give it to you so you can make beauty from ashes, joy from hurt, peace from chaos, and love from anger. Help me to not press the skip button so much but to let you work in my painful memories.
What song do you need the Lord to rewrite for you?